Letter to a Narcissist - Excerpts Part 2
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Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 2
- A Letter to a Narcissist
- Narcissists in the Family
- Narcissistic Identity
- Narcissists, Right and Wrong
- In Defence of Narcissists
- Narcissists Have Tables of Emotional Resonance
- Contradictory Behaviours of Narcissists
- From "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho
- Narcissism's Gifts to Humanity
- Narcissists and Manipulation
- Narcissist Employeradvertisement
1. A Letter to a Narcissist
I am very happy that you found the power within you to share. I am a narcissist, probably even worse than you are. It took me eternity to talk about IMPERSONAL things like my shirt size, let alone my painful history, my inner world. I still do so with trepidation. You write well and from the heart.
This outweighs any stylistic advantages I or others might have. I was MOVED by your letter. It is a HUMAN letter.
Intuitively, you seem to have chosen a path of healing. I sympathise with you. I also try to give selflessly (my websites, etc.). It is the only way to fight malignant self love - by real self love. This is the chemotherapy of love.
Unrepentant and "true" narcissists (as you paint yourself, into a corner of unconsciously cunning egotism) - are EGO SYNTONIC. This means in human-speak: they feel GOOD with themselves, they feel whole (well, most of the time, anyhow, according to the latest research). When a narcissist begins to feel BAD, UNHAPPY, REMORSEFUL - he is shedding his narcissism. I am not at this stage yet. I am still ego-syntonic. I am still fairly content with my incredibly destructive path. I don't feel remorse, pangs of awakening conscience. Sure, I feel depressed at times - over lost chances for the obtaining further Narcissistic Supply. I envy you. The worse you feel with yourself - the closer your salvation. Healing is bought with pain, with reliving the old pains that made you what you are, with re-enacting the old conflicts that defined you.
2. Narcissists in the Family
To react emotionally to a narcissist is like talking atheism to an Afghan fundamentalist. Narcissists have emotions, very strong ones, so terrifyingly strong and negative that they hide them, repress, block, and transmute them. They employ a myriad of defence mechanisms: projective identification, splitting, projection, intellectualisation, rationalisation... Any effort to emotionally relate to a narcissist is doomed to failure, alienation and rage. Any attempt to "understand" (in retrospect or prospectively) narcissistic behaviour patterns, reactions, his inner world in emotional terms - are equally hopeless. Narcissists should be regarded as "stykhia", a force of nature, an accident. There is always the bitter question: "why me, why should this happen to me", of course...
There is no master-plot or mega-plan to deprive anyone. Being born to narcissistic parents is not the result of a conspiracy. It is a tragic event, for sure. But it cannot be dealt with emotionally without professional help and in an unplanned manner. Luckily, as opposed to narcissists, the prognosis for the victims of narcissists is fairly bright.
3. Narcissistic Identity
Narcissists very rarely acknowledge that they are narcissists. A MAJOR life crisis and a very prolonged and frustrating (for the therapist) therapy are needed before a narcissist admits that something MAY be wrong with him/her.
Narcissism is not an identity, it is a humiliation. To define oneself as a narcissist is to define oneself as a ridiculously pompous, unrealistic, predator of human emotions. This isn't very flattering and it is not much of an identity either because the narcissist has NO identity. He feeds off of his FALSE self as reflected by others. It is there, in others, that he lives.
4. Narcissists, Right and Wrong
Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong and to a large extent they do CHOOSE to do the things they do. They are lazy and have no empathy. To be considerate and understanding one has to invest effort and thought and to empathise. I don't know what is the attitude of the courts: do personality disorders constitute a "diminished responsibility" defence? NPD is NOTHING like BPD. It is FAR more cerebral, premeditated and controlled. In this sense it is much closer to the Antisocial personality disorder than to BPD (Borderline) or HPD (Histrionic).
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